What You Wish For

We tend to think of passion and security as a tradeoff. Get too comfortable, too known, too settled — and something vital drains out of the relationship. Most of us have absorbed this story without quite deciding to believe it.

What You Wish For argues we've been thinking about it backwards.

Drawing from attachment science, emotionally focused therapy, and ten years of clinical work with couples, the book makes the case that emotional security doesn't dull desire — it creates the conditions for it. When people feel genuinely safe with each other, they can keep expanding: taking risks, discovering new parts of themselves, bringing that evolution back to a bond alive enough to receive it. It's disconnection that narrows us, not closeness.

The book explores attachment, intimacy, conflict, longing, and the ways our relationships shape who we become over time — and asks what people are really seeking beneath the fights, the distance, and the desire that won't quite go away.

Forthcoming. Updates in the newsletter.